The soft grey sky

Drifts to the ground

Brown rivulets

Trickle away

Trickle away

Washing sadness down

Weather vanes

Weep and turn

Weep and turn

Forgetting in the damp and grey

That by and by

The sun will shine

Sun will shine

By and by

The sun will shine.

Breakaway

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I just stared out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying not to reach out
But when I'd try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray (I would pray)
I could breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

-7:12 AM

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


-ee cummings


-5:25 AM

YOU SAID

You said, "Ask and you will receive whatever you need."
You said, "Pray and I'll hear from heaven,
And I'll heal your land."

You said Your glory will fill the earth
Like water over sea.
You said, "Lift up your eyes;
The harvest is here, the kingdom is near.

You said, "Ask and I'll give the nations to you."
O Lord, that's the cry of my heart.
Distant shores and the islands will see
Your light as it rises on us.

O Lord, I ask for the nations.

[i cried when i went to church just this sunday.. i had tears in my eyes.. and i want to be close to God again..]


-4:52 AM

i made two wrong choices in one day...

first one: i decided to get a haircut.. a short one.. my long hair is now gone.. yeah.. i know i like my old look better.. and the new hairdo i got.. it's really hard to manage.. i can't afford to go to the salon as often as i'd like to to get it styled up to it's "supposed" look.. i'd just have to wait till it grows back.. i prefer my long hair.. i've been planning on getting curly hair.. but when i got my hair relaxed.. it got damaged.. so now, i'm trying to bring it back to it's original state.. i should really learn to take good care of my hair.. oh well.. it's really no biggie.. it'll grow back.. i've got the whole summer to make it nice and long.. won't be getting any major haircuts anytime soon.. trims will do.. and a lot of hot oil treatment.. mom tells me to do it once a week.. for one month.. then twice a month for the next month.. i think i'll do just that..

second one: i went to Abstain that was held in Escape, Libis last saturday Feb 24, 2007.. yeah really big mistake.. it's not really my style.. a few of the things that bothered me.. everyone was either smoking or drinking.. or both.. and most of these were just kids.. yeah i know.. it's a bar.. what are you supposed to do in a bar.. then there's the nasty dirty dancing.. i think when people get tipsy they get confused as to what a beat sounds like.. i was pretty sure we were all listening to the same music but these people had their own songs in their heads.. who i mean who the heck slowdances in a rap song?.. haha.. it was unbelievably funny [not in a good way] but i don't think i was supposed to laugh.. girls were getting drunk real fast and two girls had already passed out in the ladies' room.. they had to get the bouncers to carry the girls to their cars.. nasty.. it was a nightmare for me and i really regretted going.. another thing.. couples who danced till they got sweaty all over aren't really the sweet type couples .. they were eating up each other's faces.. i mean.. really kissing hard.. call me naive or whatever.. but that was just plain disturbing.. i was on the verge of throwing something [maybe my shoe] at some of the couples who were really going at it.. disgusting really... to think that i know some of them!.. i had no choice but to become a people observer that night because i had my butt glued to my chair.. no way i'd dance with all these drunk people.. guys had their hands all over girls wearing almost nothing.. i'm not really a hater.. if that's how some people have fun then it's their business.. but it was my mistake to go to such party.. i surely wasn't expecting something like that.. oh well.. next time.. i would know better.. Abstain. Can you? I CAN!

things i hated about the party:
**my purse almost got stolen by some jerk..
**i had teary eyes the whole night because of all the smoke..
**i saw a lot of things i wouldn't have wanted to see..
**i used to think some of the girls there were brilliantly beautiful.. now, i'm not so sure..
**i brought my brother along.. and everyone thought he was my boyfriend..
**i paid 400bucks for our tickets..
**i didn't even get to see the real program.. because we were late..
**i looked up to these people.. now, i don't really know why..

i'm not a smoker..
not a drinker..
not a dater..
and i'd like to keep it that way.

oh well.. my life goes on..
never again.. most definitely.. never again..


-9:47 PM

i knew it!

i've been so down lately because i had to deal with the threat of getting kicked out of cba.. yeah.. i did have problems in adjusting to my oh-so-fabulous college life.. i flunked math100.. yeah i had to take it again last summer.. and then i also failed my first accounting class.. 99.1... this one really broke my heart.. i didn't know what to do.. i was at that point where i really wanted to let it all go.. i begged my parents to ship me to another country.. even if i had to work while studying.. i just wanna get away from evrybody.. yes everybody... when i say everybody.. i really meant everybody.. call me stubborn.. but no comforting word would mend this broken heart.. i'm damaged.. but the thing is.. we are not in the financial situation to be flyong off abroad.. so i had to slug it out here.. which i did.. a lot of tears were shed.. and now i'm halfway done.. just a little more.. i'm tired of trying so hard that on some days i just stop.. i hate those days when i cease functioning for hours at a time.. i cry it all out at night.. hot tears.. i feel like they were tears of anger that's why they're warm.. i wanted to prove to everyone that i'm not a loser.. i'm still jeni.. who dreams of becoming a brilliant woman someday.. capable of standing with her own two feet.. who wishes to be called multi-talented.. doing something everyday towards those goals.. i, too, am wondering what God has planned for me.. i feel like sin is overpowering my ways.. and of course.. it's not helping in any way.. i would love to get both feet planted firmly on the ground... get my act together.. and ask for guidance.. i pray.. that i could breakaway..


[as for my status in accounting.. i'm really aiming for a 1flat.. i know now that my problem is not in my abilities but in my priorities and my self esteem.. for the longest time.. i've been aiming for things i am sure i could reach or achieve.. it's like taking two steps forward and three steps back.. it's time to push it to another level.. screw stepping back!]


-2:42 AM

i'll blaze my own trail

seems like everywhere i look i see something that makes me think there's so many things i have to change about myself.. i've been trying so hard to get over the fact that i'm small.. sometimes i can live with it.. other times i ask why.. and what if.. what if i didn't have to go through all of this.. as a reader and a total outsider you might think i'm overreacting.. but you don't know what it's like to deal with it everyday.. every single day.. some days it's fine.. but there are days that i get really ticked off.. and i get called sensitive and stuff like that.. i'd shrug off snide remarks and still get called sensitive.. having a very tough mind and a "strong" personality isn't really working to my advantage.. i've turned from being idealist to realist.. in such a short span of time.. but that's not nearly all of it.. i can't believe that at 19.. i'm still trying to find out who i am... but this is me.. why can't people just see me as me.. and be glad that i am who i am.. i knew a person like that once.. he used to say nice things about me.. but then it became a routine for him and the words are always the same.. that i'm finding it hard to believe in him now.. i hate that i always think about my problems.. and it keeps me from functioning efficiently.. i used to be this and that.. now, i feel like i'm nothing... envy.. yeah.. a whole lotta envy.. it's a great big monster that has come to take residence in this little body.. that it has totally overpowered me.. i can't look straight on whenever my younger sisters get noticed for their height or their great legs or anything else that i don't have.. i've tried talking to my mom once.. but knowing her.. she'd bring it up the next time we get into an argument and she'd be using it against me over and over and over and over.. she loves doing that.. remembering all my mistakes and retelling it to me with much bravado.. i look in the mirror and i see this girl standing in front of me.. scared.. always.. of rejection... hungry for attention.. i've got friends.. who tell me stuff about me that they like.. but i really wanna hear it from family.. from relatives.. i'm sick of hearing nasty comments from them..

somebody save me..
i'm starting to wonder what it would feel like to be taken away...
away from all this..

yeah i know.. i'm such a drama queen..


-7:31 PM

my valentine dream date:

*surprises...
*flowers.. preferrably not red/white roses...
*cake.. chocolate! or ice cream...
*hatid-sundo..
*coffee.. or hot chocolate...
*garden cafe/dinner al fresco...
*live band... playing mellow music...
*dance floor under the stars...
*slow dancing...
*cocktail/summer dress...
*curfew 12:00 am...
*swing under a big tree...
*stargazing...
*a comet...
*a wish...
*long talks...
*longer walks...

a perfect date for me is one straight out of the hopeless romantic books... a scene from a romantic chick flick... i'm a sucker for stuff like that... but the thing is... it took so many scriptwriters to come up with perfect match-ups and perfect dates... in reality... we don't always share the same ideas...

*therefore my dream date would be someone who gives his utmost effort in trying to find out what i would want... because i know i'd do the same...

grabe ganito nagagawa pag valentine's at wala ka ng meron ang iba.. kasalanan to ng prof ko sa motorsports... ipinapasa kami ng paper na nakalagay kung sino ang ideal date mo.. tsaka kung anong kalseng date ang gusto mo... babasahin niya daw lahat sa klase.. aba akin lang yung binasa.. hmm so yun...

my date don'ts:
*movie
*group date
*no plans
*neither regular nor flashy clothes
*crowds
*noise
*mall
*staying at home
*expensive material stuff
*telling me beforehand what to expect
*fishing... all you have to do is ask!

[yeah right... i wish...]

damn... bakit ako gantong valentine's... wasn't always like this...

maybe someday he'll stumble upon this blog entry.. and give me my dream date... as for now...
i've got homework...

but i'll be waiting...


-10:34 PM

















-6:11 AM

i was trying to remember how we were.. the words i used to hear are no longer meant for me.. i must have taken them for granted.. you never really said anything about anything.. then everything just stopped.. it's as if you suddenly forgot who i was to you.. maybe you did.. or maybe you realized the big mistake.. the words weren't meant for me in the first place.. it must've taken a great deal of courage to just stop and look away.. but we were better off this way.. it's just so weird that i still see you.. but i never got the chance to see you look at me like you would at her.. not knowing the things that have happened.. i'd imagine how you cared.. way back when you did.. but you don't anymore.. i won't.. can't blame you for anything.. somewhere it must've been my fault.. it really must've been my fault...

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